When I was young, the education system was such that learning challenges were rarely identified and addressed. Therefore, I grew up (amongst others) with the absolute conviction that I was unworthy of any kind of success. Believing that I was never going to qualify for any kind of career which involved a standard of scholar achievement, I convinced myself that I had a passion in roles which I believed required no intellect. However, at the age of 17, my parents enrolled me in Secretarial School. Although I did not thrive in this environment, my tutors identified a “quite determination” along with the ability to quickly adjust in different environments. It was these two qualities which they nurtured, and although I was still unconvinced that I was good at anything, I now had some courage to believe that I could at least wing my way in an office environment.
So began my 30-year career in administration and business support. When my children were young, I took up study at Polytechnic eventually gaining a Diploma in Business Enterprise. Although I excelled in this environment, the scar of my schooling years was too deep to allow myself any kind of recognition. I continued to wing my way through my career, creating my own business and building my reputation. Eventually the years of winging it caught up with me, one day finding myself in the bottom of a deep dark hole, scrambling to find just one ounce of confidence and self-recognition. All my life I searched for that one thing that I was good at, even that one thing that I was really passionate about. I remember meeting many people with passion, and although I enjoyed what I did at the time, I often wondered why I was never able to find that same level of passion.
Amongst all the roles which I took on, all the teams that I lead, all the people that I helped, all the coaching that I received and the coaching that I provided, I was never really able to acknowledge with conviction, any kind of skill or ability that I could claim. I was aware that I could do things, but I always felt that I was still winging my way through. I clearly remember often thinking that I had no ability, no talent, I was good at nothing. As I write these words and my career flashes before me, I am now astounded at that absolute lack of self-assurance.
And so, it was from the bottom of that hole which I found myself scrambling in, I eventually found the light. I did have a passion all my life, I just never believed I had the ability to follow it. It was glaring me in the face all along, I was just stuck in the culture of my childhood of which I had continued to build around myself, the culture of self-loathing and victimization. I found the strength to pull myself up one more time, to brush off the scabs of past and move forward in self-empowerment, self-love, and self-value. Today I work in an environment which is not generally socially accepted, an environment which is outside of “normal” and an environment of which my past self would never have had the confidence to stand. I made a choice to stand in my power, to follow my true passion and to care about society enough to nurture myself first. I am grateful for all of my past, for the positive experiences, the not so positive experiences, for the beautiful people I have been graced with and for those who made me look in the mirror to see the not so beautiful. All of those people and all of those experiences are the foundations to the energy I am today. To regret any of it would create different energy. I feel blessed to have traveled the journey I have traveled, and I am blessed with the journeys which lay in front of me.
With this confession, I feel I have revealed the deepest part of myself. I feel I have lifted the lid on Pandora's Box and exposed all of my fears. With that comes freedom, I have nothing to conceal, I have nothing to run from. I just Am.
So why do I share this with you now? Because I want to share with every living being the freedom I feel, I want to encourage every living being to take a journey toward the self.
I want to encourage you to realize unconditional love.
Aroha nui
